Pie
by dragonarya
Summary: “Ah... it smells so good,” Bartz sighed. “Totally,” Tidus agreed. “Yep,” added Zidane. “More importantly,” Warrior of Light said, “we should consider why there is an aroma of pie coming from this door.” Slight SephKuja.


[Summary: "Ah... it smells so _good_," Bartz sighed. "Totally," Tidus agreed. "Yep," added Zidane. "More importantly," Warrior of Light said, "we should consider _why _there is an aroma of pie coming from this door." Slight SephKuja.]

Disclaimer: I do not own Dissidia Final Fantasy or its characters. If I did, the original Japanese voice acting would be in it, along with a better script, more characterization, and more fanservice. That is all.

This was inspired by buki-cheese's "Dissidia Quiz: Villain version" on deviantart. You can read it here: h t t p : /art/Dissidia-Quiz-Villain-Version-130198237

Scroll down to question 28 and you'll see what I'm talking about.

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{Setting: The Dissidia Resort. A magnificent place, where the all-star cast of heroes and villains stay during the recording of _Dissidia: Final Fantasy_. The main building consists of three floors: Main areas on the first, twenty (technically twenty-two) suites on the second, and a shared terrace on the roof. Must have been expensive. Oh well, Square Enix is plenty rich, right? From selling stuff like Cloud Strife and Lightning perfume... Ahem. Anyway, on this day, none of the heroes are relaxing in their rooms like they probably should be... there's a battle drawing on the next day, after all. Instead, they are clustered outside one of the doors. That door is in the Chaos wing. On the door are the numerals VII.}

"Ah... it smells so _good_," Bartz sighed.

"Totally," Tidus agreed.

"Yep," added Zidane.

"More importantly," Warrior of Light said, "we should consider _why _there is an aroma of pie coming from this door."

"Apple pie," Zidane corrected him.

"From such a scary person like Sephiroth, too!" Onion Knight chimed in.

"I didn't know SOLDIER were trained in cooking," Cecil said, puzzled.

"They're not," Cloud said.

"Even more importantly," Firion interjected, "what should we do?"

"Even _more _importantly," Squall said from where he was leaning against the wall, "what are we all doing here?"

"Uh..." Zidane rubbed his head uncertainly.

"We're here because it smells so good!" Bartz said as if it were obvious.

"I want to eat some..." Tidus moaned.

"I wouldn't eat it if you paid me," Squall snorted.

Onion Knight snickered. "Either Squall doesn't like pie or because it's made by a villain."

"It's the first one," Zidane said, and the two of them giggled while Squall glared.

"It could be a trap," Light cut in, always the one thinking of the war.

"Oh, come on," said Tidus. "We're off set. There's no reason it would be."

"Light does have a point," Terra said timidly. "Villains are villains, right?"

"Yeah," Firion said, trying not to show that he wanted to eat it just as much as Bartz, Zidane and Tidus. A long moment passed.

Bartz straightened up determinedly. "I'm knocking." There was a general cry of "WHAT!?"

"Are you out of your mind, dude?"

"Bartz, that's not a good idea."

"Are you kidding me? That's an incredibly stupid idea! Use your head!"

"Go ahead and get yourself killed."

"Um, Bartz... I don't think..."

"You don't stand a chance against Sephiroth."

Bartz just grinned. "I'm not going to sit here all day breathing in the scent. I've gotta ask! It's an adventure! Although a really short one. Look," he said, seeing his companions' worried looks, "if he gives me a scary look I'll just run."

"That's not the smartest plan in the world," Zidane said doubtfully.

Nevertheless the group moved away from the doorway, giving Bartz room. Resolutely he strode up to the door and knocked. The long moment of silence that followed was unbearable. The door opened a few feet, revealing Sephiroth with an unreadable expression. The heroes' breath caught. "Yes?" he said.

Bartz smiled a broad and winning smile. "Hello! You see, there's this absolutely lovely smell of pie coming from in here, so, if there's a pie in here, can I have it?"

"Traitor!" Zidane hissed, "_we_, not _I_!" He was hastily shushed by the others where they were crouching.

"We," Bartz corrected, still smiling that adorable, doltish smile.

Sephiroth seemed to consider, scanning the group of heroes pressed in a heap against the wall. "Alright," he said at length. "You can have it." The collective group sigh was changed to a gasp by Sephiroth opening the door wider, inviting Bartz to actually _go in _and retrieve it. Bartz, completely unfazed by this new development, walked in and disappeared from view along with his host.

"He's dead," Cloud and Squall said in unison.

"Bartz," Zidane said with wide eyes.

"He's not out yet, guys! Calm down!" Tidus said. At that moment Bartz walked out from the room holding a pie from which the mouth-watering aroma was wafting from.

"The Emperor and Kefka haven't been here, so it's not poisoned." With that Sephiroth shut the door. For a moment the heroes just stared at the grinning Bartz and the pie in his hands. "I'm getting the first slice!" he shouted, dashing down the corridor.

"Hey! No fair!" There was much chaos as the heroes fell over themselves chasing after him.

*

Kuja swooped in through the open window. "I've arrived!" he announced. Sephiroth did not look up from the book he was reading. "So, where's the pie?"

"I gave it to the Cosmos warriors."

"WHAT?"

He looked up then with a mild face. "Well, they were clustered outside the door practically dying from hungering for it."

"But I wanted to eat iiiit!" Kuja pouted, folding his arms and making watery eyes. The book closed with a snap.

"Don't whine, I'll make you another one."

*

The heroes sat around the table, staring at the pie.

"Come on, let's eat it already!" Tidus said.

"It could be poisoned," Firion warned.

"Like I said, we're off set."

"He said it wasn't," Cecil mused.

"But can we trust that?" Onion Knight asked.

"And he said the Emperor and Kefka haven't been there..." Terra added.

"I wouldn't eat it," Squall said.

Zidane sighed longingly, head on the table.

"I don't think I would either," Cloud frowned.

"We can't trust a villain," Light said firmly.

"Again, we're off set..." Tidus sighed.

Bartz tapped his chin, thinking. Suddenly he brightened. "I've got it!" He whipped out a a potion and poured it over the pie. "It's Cure," he said. "That way even if it _was _poisoned, it won't be anymore."

"You didn't kill the taste?" Zidane asked.

"I don't think so. And if something goes wrong we can cast Cure on ourselves."

"I'd rather not have to do that..." Onion Knight said.

"Who cares?" exclaimed Tidus. "Let's dig in!"

"This. Is. The best pie. I've ever tasted," Bartz said after the first bite.

"_Ever,_" added Zidane, eyes wide.

"I'm not eating it," Squall said.

In the end Light refused to eat it, making the excuse that he didn't particularly like sweet things. After ascertaining it was safe, Onion Knight and Terra happily had seconds. Tidus made Firion try it, who together had Cecil taste it. With the combined efforts of Bartz and Zidane they managed to forcibly get a bite into Squall, even though he threatened to knock their heads together. Even Cloud, after much persuasion, tasted it and grudgingly admitted it wasn't bad. Who said villains can't cook? Even if it was by a recipe.

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[A/N: Hello, I'm new to FanFiction . net, so please leave a review and tell me what you think of my writing style. Constructive criticism is appreciated. Excuse my terrible formatting, it was all I could do instead of a huge block of text. OTL

Anyway, it's my belief that aside from the usual death and destruction villains have pastimes and hobbies just like everyone else. (Characterization, people!)

Oh yes, I based the setting off of darkcyradis's "Tales of Dissidia". I hope you don't mind. If you haven't read it yet, you should, if you want some insane hilarity.

Note: I may edit this the further I get into the game and learn more about the characters. Please correct me if you see any typos, or if you think there was any out-of-characterness. I haven't played any Final Fantasy game, and I only know what I've gathered from fics and spoilers online. So if there's something wrong please tell.]


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